I am obsessive-compulsive by nurture (one day I'll introduce you to my Mom) and this trait really comes in handy in certain areas in life. But when it comes to my son, things get a little trickier.
As any human being in this world, I too am seeking that balance in life. Being a working mother, I try my best to prioritise and distribute deserved attention based on them. So in short, I stop working and bail out of meetings the moment something's wrong with my son. In these cases, it seems like an easy choice.
But lately, with Malik turning 1 year old and being exposed to more germs (from new types of food to the scariest things he picks off the floor and puts in his mouth), he gets sick more often as compared to those glorifying days of exclusive breastfeeding. His weight gain decreases and he doesn't seem to be the chubby little self he was just a couple of months ago.
So there I was, true to my nurture, began counting his calories, the AAP recommended daily intake, I read all the labels behind all of the packages and read all the articles I could find on anything that I could come up with (trust me, I do the same at work). That's when all hell began to break lose. I literally drew Arya out of his mind with my theorising of Malik's diet and growth. Of course, after driving myself a bit crazy. Just a bit.
That's when I really listened to the words of wisdom coming from the man I call my husband.
"Kalo aku sih, biarin aja Malik kaya gitu (note: susah makan). Nanti kalo laper, dia pasti cari makan sendiri. Emang sih, mungkin kalo aku yang ngasih makan, ngga sebanyak kamu yang masuk; tapi daripada stres. Toh dia sehat, ketawa, main. Kan yang lebih penting kita ada untuk dia, daripada makan tapi marah-marah."
I began reviewing what I did wrong and how I can deal with this reality. I started reshuffling priorities and reorganising thoughts.
What's important to Malik is not (only) the best of nature (food intake) but the best of nurture (energy spent on his psychological development). I always approach him as a child, as someone who needs tending and care. But I rarely deal with his problems as a human being - with needs and wants.
A (sane) human being will eat when they need to, get sick several times a year and are sometimes picky with food.
When I attempt to control variables in his environment of growth, I am at the same time depriving him of the chance to be independent and decide for himself. For instance, by trying to be more sterile and limit the places he can go to, I might be able to prevent him from getting sick. But at the same time, I am depriving his body to fight off viruses and memorise how to counterattack harmful foreign objects in his body (apparently after reading, I found out that basically this is what our bodies do). So getting sick is actually a good thing (to some extent).
Not wanting food from time to time is also a way for him to learn that he needs to be less picky (vegetables are part of a packaged deal sort of logic). Once he's hungry enough, a sane child will eat anything in sight. And that's when he learns to eat healthily; instead of me giving in to his demands to eat 'disguised' food just for the sake of his calorie intake.
All I can do, as a parent, is to tend to him. Care for him when he's sick, be there for him throughout the process of learning. At the end, it's his fight. He is the one who has to get better, I can't do it for him. It's actually also applicable to a broader context; peer pressure, bullying, losing a competition, grades - everything in Malik's life, is his battle. I can't always protect him, or more consistent to this logic, (over) protecting him means, albeit he is safe and sound, depriving him of learning how to be strong(er).
Jadi memang mesti tega. Knowing when to sit back and watch, even if we're crying inside, to allow our children to learn how to grow and defend themselves, independent from their caregivers.
It seems to me now, that parenting is not about the parents. It never about us. It's always about this child trying to survive in life, and, at the end, without us.
So the conclusion is: parenting means learning to let go.
With love
Dedicated to my parents
The two people who has loved me
So selflessly
Just so I could stand on my own two feet
When I had to
That through them
I (am) learn(ing) how to love my son
Selflessly
As well
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Ice Storms and Flu Season
Finally have time to breathe after a very hectic week. The Sydney conference went, well, okay to put it mildly. Senang sekali ketemu Mba Titut dan Gita. Baby and I just recovered from the flu (which was quite a scare). And now, after editing my ARC paper, I have time to do 'nothing' while overlooking Malik and Arya both literally snoring.
Fremantle is not quite the itself during winter. The grey skies and windy rain reminds me much of Amsterdam.
I miss Amsterdam (at least there you expect bad weather).
Malik has been so well-behaved. He slept 3 hours of the 4 hour flight, he eats well (whatever I cook for the three of us, cut into tiny pieces, not separate meal!), he entertains himself quite well when I'm working and he really enjoys strolls to the grocery store (displayed by happy kicking and eventually napping).
I must say though, above all, I am very grateful of the man I call my partner. Returning from Sydney with the flu, Malik had a fever. During the 2 days I was out and Malik sick, Arya honestly did everything. House chores (mopping, scrubbing dishes, preparing meals) and Malik (feeding, nappy changing, bathing). And what I admire most: no whining. It would be almost natural to blame me, the person who asked Malik and him come here in the first place, who left them for a conference, who returned sick to an also sick son.
But no. Being the consequential person that he is, he didn't even realise he was being very generous until I came up with it (I wonder if I should have just kept silent). Memang dia benar-benar ikhlas kalau mengerjakan apapun.
Mba Titut: Pasti Arya ngga ngeluh deh ngerjain semuanya waktu kamu sakit.
Jadi malu, ya. Wonder if I could have done the same for him without whining. Knowing me, I guess not. But at least, having gone through this, I know it's worth the try :)
Love.
Fremantle is not quite the itself during winter. The grey skies and windy rain reminds me much of Amsterdam.
I miss Amsterdam (at least there you expect bad weather).
Malik has been so well-behaved. He slept 3 hours of the 4 hour flight, he eats well (whatever I cook for the three of us, cut into tiny pieces, not separate meal!), he entertains himself quite well when I'm working and he really enjoys strolls to the grocery store (displayed by happy kicking and eventually napping).
I must say though, above all, I am very grateful of the man I call my partner. Returning from Sydney with the flu, Malik had a fever. During the 2 days I was out and Malik sick, Arya honestly did everything. House chores (mopping, scrubbing dishes, preparing meals) and Malik (feeding, nappy changing, bathing). And what I admire most: no whining. It would be almost natural to blame me, the person who asked Malik and him come here in the first place, who left them for a conference, who returned sick to an also sick son.
But no. Being the consequential person that he is, he didn't even realise he was being very generous until I came up with it (I wonder if I should have just kept silent). Memang dia benar-benar ikhlas kalau mengerjakan apapun.
Mba Titut: Pasti Arya ngga ngeluh deh ngerjain semuanya waktu kamu sakit.
Jadi malu, ya. Wonder if I could have done the same for him without whining. Knowing me, I guess not. But at least, having gone through this, I know it's worth the try :)
Love.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Priorities and Identity Construction
Arya was helping me organise my blog, when I stumbled upon this post:
---
Identity (?)
Friday, 7th April 2006
11.33 AM
Prins Hendrikkade, Amsterdam
I was just wondering why all-people-with-children's Friendster photos always have their children dominate it?
Is it because when you have children, they dominate your life?
Is it because your identity no longer is about you but about this tiny little thing?
How is it supposed to be?
Questions, questions. Maybe I can only answer them when I have one of my own.
When?
I don't care. I'm never going to be ready. Full stop.
So, change of topic, shall we?
---
I've always trusted that identity is a complex issue. It is multilayered and will always be redefined according to our environment. There are layers that are more fundamental, which were molded perhaps decades - they are more fixed, yet still adjustable depending on individual characteristics.
However, I'd like to answer the question I'd asked myself 3 years ago.
Yes, my identity has indeed been enriched by the young man I call my son. My life does revolve around him. I still have targets, personal plans, deadlines, but I schedule them around him.
Because I've decided that he is my priority.
The question of whether or not I lose myself in him, is quite tricky to answer. I think it's about balance and priorities. We sort our life based on our priorities to achieve a certain balance (spiritual, perhaps? Psychological, mental? A psychologist would say it is to manage cognitive dissonance or conflict of will in simple terms). Identity is thus constructed by these priorities. We project ourselves consistent to our priorities.
A working woman, whose job is the highest priority in her life, would post pictures of her in conferences, as a speaker, leading a meeting, or with her workmates.
A proud father, whose child is the highest priority in his life, would post milestone pictures of his child smiling, laughing, walking.
A traveler, whose adventures are the highest priority in their life, would post the newest destination shots as trophies.
But I think that their lives are not exclusive to those aspects only. It is much more complex and the most superficial identity, the one apparent to others, are the aspect in their lives that are of most importance to them. It does not mean that their lives are limited to just that.
Then again, there is always the possibility that the image projected has nothing to do with priorities - but more to the fact that we want to create a certain image of ourselves regardless of how we are in person.
Which is kind of sad, really.
But who am I to judge. I just think it's nice to reflect on past queries and moving forward with more to bring. Cheers.
---
Identity (?)
Friday, 7th April 2006
11.33 AM
Prins Hendrikkade, Amsterdam
I was just wondering why all-people-with-children's Friendster photos always have their children dominate it?
Is it because when you have children, they dominate your life?
Is it because your identity no longer is about you but about this tiny little thing?
How is it supposed to be?
Questions, questions. Maybe I can only answer them when I have one of my own.
When?
I don't care. I'm never going to be ready. Full stop.
So, change of topic, shall we?
---
I've always trusted that identity is a complex issue. It is multilayered and will always be redefined according to our environment. There are layers that are more fundamental, which were molded perhaps decades - they are more fixed, yet still adjustable depending on individual characteristics.
However, I'd like to answer the question I'd asked myself 3 years ago.
Yes, my identity has indeed been enriched by the young man I call my son. My life does revolve around him. I still have targets, personal plans, deadlines, but I schedule them around him.
Because I've decided that he is my priority.
The question of whether or not I lose myself in him, is quite tricky to answer. I think it's about balance and priorities. We sort our life based on our priorities to achieve a certain balance (spiritual, perhaps? Psychological, mental? A psychologist would say it is to manage cognitive dissonance or conflict of will in simple terms). Identity is thus constructed by these priorities. We project ourselves consistent to our priorities.
A working woman, whose job is the highest priority in her life, would post pictures of her in conferences, as a speaker, leading a meeting, or with her workmates.
A proud father, whose child is the highest priority in his life, would post milestone pictures of his child smiling, laughing, walking.
A traveler, whose adventures are the highest priority in their life, would post the newest destination shots as trophies.
But I think that their lives are not exclusive to those aspects only. It is much more complex and the most superficial identity, the one apparent to others, are the aspect in their lives that are of most importance to them. It does not mean that their lives are limited to just that.
Then again, there is always the possibility that the image projected has nothing to do with priorities - but more to the fact that we want to create a certain image of ourselves regardless of how we are in person.
Which is kind of sad, really.
But who am I to judge. I just think it's nice to reflect on past queries and moving forward with more to bring. Cheers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)