Fears and Pet Peeves

Thursday, 23 November 2006
5.08pm
Koningsstraat, Amsterdam

It was a rainy afternoon. I was sitting in De Jaren with Agne, looking at pedestrians passing by. We were talking about our plans after our programme ends. I told her (one) of my fears of coming home is the questions on having children.

Inaya: It's a given in Indonesia for people to assume that after you get married, you want children. And I know I am coming home to those questions.
Agne: If there is something I learned from my therapist it's that people project themselves on others. People judge because they're scared. People who have no fear, don't judge.
Inaya: *berpikir dan mulai tertarik*
Agne: Those questions they ask you... When are you having children, when are you getting married, when are you graduating... These are projections of their own fear, because these are the choices they have made in their lives. They want to make sure they made the right choices - they need validation.
Inaya: So it's never about us, it's always about them.
Agne: Exactly. So when they ask you these questions, just give an answer they can understand. It doesn't have to be your whole reason behind your decision on when to have children, because that's your own private space. They just need a validation, so give it to them. Say you're planning to, while smiling, and slowly shift focus to another topic close to children. Perhaps how cute your sister's daughter is (laughing).

I think she is right. I think we do project ourselves on other people. And it's never about us. Comments of us being fatter/too thin, it's because the people commenting are insecure about their bodies - or else they wouldn't pay attention to yours. Comments on why you haven't found a job yet - perhaps it's because they're not happy with theirs (misery does love company). Comments on your unorthodox views - it's because they don't want your views to shift theirs.

It's never about you, it's always about them.

So the best way to deal with this is to attempt to understand this pattern of thinking - and by not making it about you. Make it about learning more about other people's fears and use it to improve your communication skills, perhaps. Or to better understand difference.

Or to simply be more content with who you are.