10.31 PM
Prins Hendrikkade, Amsterdam
“Do you believe in love at first sight?”
The skeptic in me just laughs it off. The value-free researcher in me replies, “Depends on how you define love.” The hopeful in me thinks nothing is impossible; when given the chance.
I was sitting on my stomach and filling in one of those damn Sudoku puzzles when I gazed to Arya sitting in front of his computer and asked, “Kok kita bisa akur banget, sih?”
He shrugged, “Mungkin karena kita sahabatan.”
It was then I realised two things: (1) He doesn’t exaggerate; then (2) It must mean it’s true.
Someone who makes me laugh and vice versa. Someone who walks into me working and could ask for a hug without making me want to strangle him for breaking my concentration. Someone who listens to my dreams, my plans, my goals without cutting my thoughts in the middle even though he knows I am somewhat selfishly planning it for the both of us. He just knows I am only saying – that I just need to be listened to and would most definitely accept his feedback. Someone who listens to me ranting about an interesting fact or theory and actually finds himself engrossed in it – and of course other times his face shows he hasn’t a clue but listens anyway. Someone who is so different from me and yet has compatible values that I can understand his points of view.
Someone with whom I can practice my stupid Dutch.
Someone who never looks down on me as he never looks up at me. It’s not his style. We’re just equals finding our way out. Neither of us have a clue and if we want to get somewhere we have to cooperate.
After that moment, something in me changed a bit. I didn’t know what.
Yesterday I read old emails realising that some of my closest friends gas pol seneng-seneng during their college years abroad because they think it’s only natural that they do mumpung gak ada orangtua.
I : Gue ngga mau anak gue kayak gitu.
N : Anak lo ngga bakal kaya gitu.
I: Gue mau anak gue konsisten. Apapun yang dia lakuin, dia lakuin karena mereka tau itu bener. How do I raise a child like that?
I was so scared that I might screw my children because I would be a horrible mother. I was scared because Arya seems so confident of having one whenever because he’s ready while I was there psychotically going crazy in my head thinking, What is it going to eat? What if I screw them because I’m such an inconsistent person, sometimes I clean the whole friggin’ house and sometimes I can’t even get off my ass? What if I say the wrong thing and I scar them for life? What if we can’t make enough money for their school, their clothes, decent living? What if they hear me and Arya fight and they lose faith in love altogether? What if they become bad people?
I started thinking of how my parents raised me and my sister and brother. I started thinking of how Arya was raised; I started thinking of how the people I respect were raised. I started thinking of how the people, whose values I find myself incompatible with, were raised. Where were their mistakes, what were their successes? How can I learn from them? How can I make sure I can do my best?
It was then I started realising that the only thing you need in order to become a good parent (which of course, is according my own values unemployable to others perhaps) is strong values. With that, a consistent set of ideas of ethics and moral borders.
All through my life, there was never a point where I didn’t make mistakes. If only, mistakes make me sharper and more cautious. The problem is, when having children, mistakes bring effects not only to myself.
A: Waktu kita mutusin mau kawin, kenapa bisa gampang? Padahal kan tanggung jawabnya juga gede, konsekuensinya juga banyak. Apa yang bikin kamu gak takut?
I: Karena yakin. Tidak ada keraguan. We have compatible values and views which is the single most important thing in life. The rest, you learn along the way.
Being a parent is just like any other process in life. You have to have strong beliefs, ethics and morals; cooperate well with your partner (if you have one) and just learn along the way.
When thinking of integrity, honesty, ethics, kindness, humility and Arya’s and my framework in seeing life; money, clothing, a car and a house seems like such small obstacles. And if Arya and I are so good in working together as spouses, why should I be afraid?
I couldn’t think of an answer.
Anything in life is just like anything else in life. Nothing should scare you. You should decide what is most important in your life and just stick with it. The rest, you simply learn along the way.
Sure, my children will see me breakdown from time to time. They’ll see me bicker at them when I’ve reached my limit. They’ll also see I’m human with mistakes and that I learn. They will understand that their parents are human beings trying to do their best, just like they should.
I realised that that is how my parents (and coincidentally the parents of the people I am compatible with) raised me. With integrity and strong values. Teaching us decision making, being consequent and persistent. Always referring to our beliefs and values and respect difference. Being yourself and having strong identity wherever you are, even if no one is there overlooking your mistakes. Yes, they aren’t perfect. My mother imposes double standards and my father is a procrastinator. Yes, I also end up having double standards like my mother and postpone everything until the last hour like my father – but I also have integrity and chose the best man to cooperate with in life; and stuck with my decision. I am a hard worker like my mother and a self-reflector like my father.
My parents aren’t perfect, neither am I – neither will I ever be. You just hope you are a better parent than you are a daughter; a better employer then you are an employee; because then there is always room for progress.
I will never be sure that I will ever be able to give the best environment and material support to my children’s growth – but I know I can do my best in teaching the difference between right and wrong; not running away or hiding when they make mistakes but facing them like adults and take responsibility.
I have found out what changed in me – I can finally see myself as a mother. Not now, not tomorrow, not in a time I can plan. But it doesn’t scare me anymore. When the time comes, I will do my best, consistently to what I believe is right. Just like I have done so far with everything else in my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment