On the Many Approaches to Being Pregnant

Tuesday, 19 February 2008
2.06PM
Kalibata Utara, Jakarta

Well, the first reaction would of course be happiness.

It took Arya and I (and by Arya and I, I mean me) 2 years of marriage to finally be ready enough to have children. My biggest fear was that there were so many flaws in me as a person, that would deprive my baby of true growth in its broadest sense. I was afraid that I would be inconsistent, set double standards, be too demanding, be too loose, be too light, be too anything – that might screw my kid up for good.

But then, once in a blue moon (why blue? Why moon?), I said to myself: ‘I will never be perfect. Neither will my kid ever be. No matter how good I raise them, the flaws in me and in them are the aspects what make human, well, human.’ So why avoid something inevitable? Why not embrace it and just make the good out of it (cliché, yes). That just as I will never be a perfect person, I will never be a perfect parent. And from this realisation, it can only mean that I still have room to grow.

So then my fears went away.

Inaya: Pernah punya ketakutan yang sama?
Arya: Iya, tapi ngga dipikirin. Ngapain nyape-nyapein otak.

So then God (or for some of you, nature) created one spouse for everyone. Sigh.

***

Somewhere Between 4-6 Weeks

There was this one day when I was feeling very melancholic. My body was changing, my hormones were kicking in, and then there was that first sonogram which kind of made me realise that something is growing inside me.

I also realised that for the upcoming 9 months I’ll go through a life-changing phase of learning and adjusting. Of learning to be unselfish and give. That my body will take its course and take care of something which is not its own. If my body is capable of doing this, I’m pretty sure it means my heart and mind can too. I guess being a woman gives us the remarkable chance to learn selflessly.

Then I realised that men are deprived of this chance and that they will never feel the physical bond that a woman can to their child. It’s sad in a way. It makes you reconsider what society means by ‘the privileged gender’.

***

Somewhere Between 8-10 Weeks

Between feeling like having a constant hangover 24/7 and barfing after every meal, losing weight and having aches all over your body – you tend to be a little cranky. I don’t blame the hormones I blame the SHEER TORTURE.

I was lying in bed, not having the energy to do anything. Next to me was Arya, sitting oh-so-healthily and it really made me hate his guts (‘Ayo Yang, jangan lemes dong!’ ‘Ya makan mesti dipaksa, jangan dimanjain.’ ‘Salah sendiri, siapa suruh kerja ya sekarang kamu mesti berangkat.’). There he'll be, I thought, healthy as a pickle all throughout my 9 months, not going through a single change physically and POOF, the baby’s there and he’ll receive the equal glory of being a parent.

Lucky bastard.

Then he absentmindedly reached for a pregnancy book and started reading.

Arya: Yang, ternyata sebaiknya kamu sebelum tidur makan cracker dulu biar bangunnya ngga terlalu mual.

Then I remembered that he tries. I suddenly forgot why I was so pissed in the first place.

***

Somewhere Between 10-16 Weeks

I feel healthier, more sober, I barf less and whine less. I can’t fit into my old clothes and my lower back aches each morning (the pressure from the uterus). I begin questioning who I want to be in 5 years and for the first time, it’s not for career-purposes. I want to be a hands-on Mom who is there morally and mentally for her family. I want to develop myself intellectually because I want to be able to answer my kids’ questions. I want them to learn as much as I know I’ll learn from them. I want to be their ‘home’.

So then I decided to resign from my office-hours job as manager and focus on teaching and researching. Maybe write now and then. In the long run, being a lecturer is a good career line. I get to work until my 60s (industry only hires people till they’re 50), I get to manage time between taking my kids to school and teaching. I get to take them to meetings and conferences. If I'm lucky, I'll be one of those academics who get to travel around the world for researches and seminars.

Though, financially, I hope I’m making the right decision. It’s either I can really be a good academic who can provide for (at least) herself, or I end up a burnt-out teacher with no research orders. But what is life without risks?