On Many Things

Sunday, 11 November 2007
01.50 PM
Haji Samali, Jakarta

On Moving Back Home and Its Complexities

Continents and months have has gone by since my last ponder. Everytime I begun to write, I decided that no words could best convey the hard work of learning I had to go through in such a short period of time. Well, at least for me.

Some are too personal to say. Sometimes even to myself.

But all in all, all is well.

Arya and I have our own place. Yes, we’ve been living on our own for 2 years in the Netherlands but it isn’t the same. For Indonesians, especially those who live in Jakarta, you’ll understand this completely. Living alone abroad and living alone in Jakarta are two totally different things. I actually knew of this theoretically in my head all along, but knowing it and experiencing it are very, very different. But who am I to say. The most I’ve learned so far could be the least of what’s to come.

Being far away from family was not a trip to the zoo. Seeing my brother all grown up and missing most of the process was painful – but I kept reminding myself that I made a conscious choice and that this was part of growing up. I knew in my head, then, that once I’ve returned home – things would be much more complicated. The thing called family politics: everyone means well but nobody quite does anything effectively. Aunts asking much too personal questions, customs left unchallenged often resulting in silent ‘sighs’ (if you know what I mean) – be it ‘Kalo kerja terus, kapan kawinnya?’ challenged by ‘Selesein dulu deh kuliahnya, cari uang tuh bisa nanti-nanti.’ to ‘Kapan punya anaknya?’ to ‘Kamu tuh laki-laki, pemimpin keluarga, harus bisa cari uang.’ These black-and-white values of family life are too much accepted without contest, much so for my taste.

For me (and Arya), although it’s customary (in Indonesia) for men to be in charge of the household, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the woman is left idle. Household means cooperation, communication and realisation – both in making money (male in social gender; e.g. career, investments) and taking care of chores (female in social gender; e.g. house chores, taking care of children if any). It takes two to tango. You can’t clap with one hand. You get the gist.

But of course, my values aren’t the absolute truth. What works for me doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to work for others. We are all entitled to choice and we are all entitled to difference in opinions. With that, goes the requisite of understanding and accepting difference. Again, this is a two-way-street. Unfortunately, not everyone is driving.

So there are moments when energy spent is not energy saved. It serves no good to explain yourself to those who can’t or won’t listen. Without feeling that everyone is beneath us, there is the art of ‘leaving things be’. Of realising that you cannot change the world with your own bare hands. There are things you can do and there are things that will cost more than you’ll ever get back.

This art – I’m pretty sure no one can ever master. But at least we can try. And hope that in the mean time we get to be just a tad bit wiser than we were yesterday.

On Work and the Bigger Picture

During my first week of jet lag, I got called back by my old office to help manage the production house that provides the services (documentaries mostly) for the communication strategy campaign I used to help coordinate. The next week, I was back to work. On that first week, I started thinking: ‘Why didn’t I take a short vacation before rushing back to work?’

But no, Ms. Inaya and her snotty idea of being a hardworker had to get in the way.

Snicker.

But again, all is well.

It was quite a transition from being a student and back to working again. Regardless of getting flexible hours, the workload and my own unrealistic standards get in the way of enjoying free time. Again, this was, and still is, a personal struggle of finding the balance between paying the bills, reaching for my own goals, retaining my life values, and being grounded (and maintaining sanity!).

Being my complicated self (eye-rolling permitted), I keep questioning my choices and re-evaluating my life. How is this going to affect my personal relationship with Arya? When am I going to plan to have children? Will I go back to school? Will I develop an academic career or a career in the non-profit industry?

What do I want most in life and how will my work be a part of this?

I guess we all have these questions in our heads and I’m also pretty sure that you can never have an absolute answer for any of this. You can only hope that you make the right decision (if this even exists) and make the best of the process. The only underlying value that I can sustain is: if I lose myself in the process (be it religion, life values, family), then I should let go of anything it is that is detaching me from the things that should hold me together.

Because at the end of the day, if I cannot sleep sound at night and remind myself that I am still me – and that by doing what I do, I am achieving a much bigger thing than just myself – it is just not worth doing.

Well, we’ll just have to see what the day brings.

On Planning Ahead: Realistically and Conceptually

I’ve been observing my friends and colleagues (most of which fall into the 20 to 30 year old age group), and in growing up socially, there are these two general groups (please forgive my over-generalisation). First are the planners. Those who think about insurance, hospital bills for labour, pregnancy costs, planning for mortgage, calculating their monthly expenses: in short, those who build up their personal lives according to their financial capabilities. In character, they are pessimistic, accurate, and not risk takers. The second are the do first, think later’s. In Indonesia, they are the ones who will respond in this manner: ‘Rejeki gak kemana’, ‘Banyak anak banyak rejeki’, and others in the same category. They are usually more confident, take temporary projects to pay this month’s bills and stress less.

There’s this teacher of mine who seems to think that Indonesians pray most of the time they should work. ‘Kalau sakit, berdoa supaya sembuh tapi ngga ke dokter.’ It is this philosophy of life that to me is very interesting.

How do we find the balance between being overly anal about planning ahead and being overly confident that everything will be OK (because face it, sometimes everything is not OK!)?

I guess for the planners, the limit is when we stress too much. What is the use of avoiding troubles with careful planning when we create new troubles by overthinking everything?

For the do-ers think lat-ers, the limit is when we end up making other people clean up our mess. What is the use of self-confidence when we end up asking other people for favours and loans?

I suppose none is the wiser and both types have their pros and cons. It is our obligation to identify which type we are and act accordingly. Be it by calculating our expenses and generating the necessary income (and if it is still insufficient, just lower our standards!) or accepting the worse case scenarios, accepting our failures and just start living!

Afterall, it’s not the successes that make us learn best, it’s the mistakes.

***

So there you go.

I think I need a vacation.

Oh, and by the way, my niece is adorable.