Let It Suck

Wednesday, 4 April 2007
9.40PM
Koningsstraat, Amsterdam

It seems that I'm counting the days I have left in Amsterdam. It's perhaps hardest to say goodbye to Lena, Agne and Thera since I don't know for sure when we'll ever see each other again. Maybe even never, thinking we all come from different parts of the world.

And so comes the much too familiar feeling of saying goodbyes and spaces in which this happens. Sometimes I even feel myself pulling back from them just for the fear of letting go if I get too attached. Because they know me so well, they let me have my space and at the same time letting me know that they sense my shutting down. Lena reminded me elloquently that 'it is better to deal with it when it comes instead of taking the pleasure away from it while you still have it.' She also reminded me that little-miss-know-it-all apparently does not cope well with goodbyes.

Indeed I don't.

I remind myself that farewells are in concept similar to airports. It is the space within which we say goodbye, true, but it is also the space within which we say hello. So each moment we are letting go, we're also embracing new (or old) loved ones. In this case, though saying goodbye to my newfound good friends here, I am going to say hello to my family.

At the moment though, it just sucks. And I'm letting it be. Because I have my own timeframe and I am not going to force myself to do something I am not ready to. But in the mean time, yes, I am not going to take away the pleasure while I still have it. I will really miss our conversations over coffee (me), tea/coffee (Lena), red wine (Agne) and black tea (Thera). But I know dwelling is not the answer. So ah, let it suck and let it leave a mark. I'll cherish them nevertheless.