The Thing About Parenting

Thursday, 8 January 2009
05.55PM
Pejaten Elok, Jakarta

Early parenting I suppose is the time for parents to be selfish. The (almost) full dependency of an infant to his parents flourishes this feeling. Much too often do I hear the unnecessary comparing of baby weight, daily milk intake, monthly milestones, etc. It seems that most parents have treated their children as an achievement.

A discussion I had with my sister made me resort to the answer that this happens for a lack of a better thing to do. Too much free time and not enough activity may have created us into parents in a race for the ‘best’ child (good, better, best). Since we are temporarily restrained from self-actualising ourselves professionally, we self-actualise ourselves through our children.

The premise of self-actualisation through our children suggests that our children are ours to improve.

That they are property instead of individuals.

Even throughout infancy, I see how my son has gained more skills to gradually become more independent from his parents. I think to myself, is this not the purpose of parenting? To equip our children with the best of skills and tools to live and learn as independent human beings, no longer attached to their caregivers.

Conscience human beings able to rationalise and make sound, consequent decisions – amidst the grey area of this place we call ‘world’.

It is perhaps difficult to realise on a daily basis that all the hard work, all the effort, all the energy – will not bring harvest for our reaping. It is our children’s. Everything we do for them, is not for us. It’s for them.

And as a parent myself, this selfless notion, although sensible, is very hard to apply consistently.

It’s one thing to work hard on our career and education and receive all the (societal) praise we deserve. But it’s another thing to work very hard for our children and realise that none of this is for us.

That our children are not ours. They are their own.

I think it should be in all parents’ minds that when we have children, we do not have children. We are trusted with them for a certain amount of time, for them to be able to live on their own. We are trusted to equip them with the necessary survival skills and tools to face life and its challenges.

Although probably still very far in the future, again, it will come faster than any parent’s taste. I know it in my head and that one day I too must let go. I just hope when that day comes, I am able to let go of the selfish feeling of wanting something back.

But getting the best of examples from my parents, two people who have cooperated with each other and worked very hard to provide my sister, my brother and I with the best of upbringing (on all levels, materially, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually), not asking anything back for themselves but to ‘pay it forward’ to our children – I am certain that when the day comes, it will happen naturally.

As it did with them.

I love you dearly Mom and Dad. Happy 32nd anniversary.