Intro
I actually wrote this quite a while ago. Here we go.
Oh. And I got the scholarship :). Beginning my PhD next year.
***
Saturday, 30 September 2008
03.00PM
Haji Samali, Jakarta
On Experiencing Labour
It’s hard not to rant on how labour was. No matter how often I repeat it to others, it still feels worth the storytelling.
Labour was a paradox. Ladies, you hear these horror stories of how painful it is and how close to death you’ll feel when it happens. And then you hear that no matter how painful, it’s all worth it. They are all very, very true. At least for me.
It was painful, but bearable. It was unimaginable. You truly cannot fully prepare yourself for what will happen. It doesn’t matter how often you do your pregnancy yogas and Lamaze class practices – you can’t quite prepare yourself for the mental trial labour will be. But for me, the second I gave birth, I honestly couldn’t remember the pain. Not even the cutting of the perineum, the contractions, the stitches. I can’t even rationalize it, but it’s true. It is worth it and I have no problem doing it again. It’s not only the happiness of being a mother, but it’s the chance of learning new things every single (and I mean every single) minute of every day. You realize that you are more than you’ve ever thought you could be.
I honestly thought I would be a wuss. That I could not handle the pain. That I didn’t have the mentality of pushing a 4kg baby out of me. But it turned out sometimes – sometimes – our bodies know better than we do. Darwinism. In order to survive, we will physiologically know what to do. And I testify, the female of the species, if they’re blessed, get to find out the true capacity of their bodies at least once in their lives.
On Bringing Home a Newborn
“Lo kemasukan setan apa Na, pulang ke rumah sendiri gak ada yang bantu?” Chida wrote to me. And boy, was she right.
I think it was an idiotic combination of nekad and sotoy.
It’s an anomaly in Jakarta for a young married couple in Jakarta to live alone, not with their parents, early in their relationship. But Arya and I do. It’s an anomaly that we don’t have live-in help. It’s an anomaly that we don’t want to have a babysitter. It’s an anomaly that none of our family members stayed over for the first days of bringing home our newborn.
It’s not an anomaly that we were on the verge of going out of our minds.
After a frantic series of the baby crying, bleeding nipples, a spilled bottle of frustratingly pumped breast milk, more frantic pumping, the mother crying (ha!) – I finally said “Yes” to the question “Mau Mbak Yem kesana?” my mother asked (fyi, Mbak Yem was my childhood nanny).
“Na, dimana-mana itu pemulihan dulu, baru belajar ngerawat bayi…” my mother said.
Now you’re telling me.
But I guess I would have been too stubborn to listen. So, slowly Arya and I learned how to (correctly) bathe the baby, which cry is a hungry cry, which cry is a diaper changing cry. Nights became bearable since we could rest during the day. Mbak Yem began helping us 7 to 5 and now she goes home at 11AM and I get to be with the baby all day.
And now, after a tiring process of learning, I am going back to work 3 times a week, teaching at the university and maybe taking small research projects. I’m waiting to hear from my scholarship granters whether or not I get to start my PhD next February. And even with all these splendid career choices, I get to go home to my baby boy. If that’s not a life blessed I don’t know what is.
On Going Back to Work
The first day I went out of the house without Malik was for the ALA interview on 5th August. Malik was 8 days old. My stitches were raw. But we survived.
Malik was home with Mbak Yem and my sister with expressed breast milk in the fridge. Arya came with me to the interview to calm my nerves, but it turned out it was the other way around (you truly see the commitment another person has for your life choices if they’re more anxious than you are).
I thought I would be too tired due to lack of sleep but I was a-ok. I was so happy I got the chance to get out of the house and I even enjoyed the ride. The interview went great, I think it was the knowing the ‘not getting the scholarship won’t be the end of the world’ state-of-mind that helped. I left the interview room knowing that I did my best. If I didn’t get the funding, then nothing I could have done would change that.
That trip made me realize, though, that I need to get out. I need to do something. I love Malik and I thrive in taking care of him. But it can’t be the only thing I do. That’s when I realized that I want to go back to work.
If I want to be a full-time lecturer at UI, I need to continue teaching (plus get my PhD degree) until I get my tenure. In the academic field, there’s no such thing as a 3 month maternity leave. First semester starts in September, baby or no baby. But all of my lecturer teams are very understanding. I chose the subjects I was best at, so that I won’t have to do so much research before teaching. I don’t have to attend all classes when I’m not teaching if I don’t want to.
I think being a lecturer is one of the best professions a new mother could choose, time-wise. Leaving Malik for 3-5 hours a day alone is hard enough for me, I can’t imagine parents having to leave their child for 8 hours minimum plus 2-3 hours of traffic. The sacrifice they make to ensure the livelihood of their families has my full respect.
Any day now, I’m sure I’ll find the balance between juggling motherhood and career. But when push comes to shove, if I had to choose, in a heartbeat, Malik has my everything. I love you, tiny thing.
On Cooperating with an Unconventional Partner
I think one of the reasons I didn’t get the blues for so long is because I have a very supportive husband. You know the saying ‘Behind every great man is a great woman’? Well, for the past month my saying is ‘Behind a sane woman is a great man’. Honestly, Arya is truly an unconventional Indonesian husband.
He can bathe the baby, he changes diapers, during the newborn stages, he took the 2AM to 7AM shift of taking care of Malik while my shift was 9PM to 2AM. He works the next day and makes money. He is even better than me in carrying the baby and doing the tummy flip to burp him. He held me when I cried and toughened me up when I was whining. He took care of Malik (without help! No maid no babysitter) at home while I met Philip Kitley.
”Sekalian kamu kenal dia sekalian kamu cari udara seger,” he said.
He supports me to go back to work and reminds me of my motherly obligations of continuing breastfeeding while doing so. He. Never. Whines. About. Our. Son. Or the fact that he’s doing the things most Indonesian wives/mothers do.
The past month says a lot about the qualities in Arya. Him as a father, him as a husband and him as a person. I am not exaggerating when I say, ‘Every single human being is very lucky to have the chance of having Arya in their lives.’ I love you, tiny thing’s father.
Friday, December 05, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
The Ideologies of Child Rearing and Bearing
Saturday, 19 July 2008
04.58PM
Haji Samali, Jakarta
It’s perhaps safe to say that everything, and I mean everything, that is related to human beings are ideological. From the more complex things in life that we are used to debating about – religious choice, gender construction, human rights – to the day-to-day concepts. Being a pregnant woman on her ninth month, I am exposed to (or have exposed myself to) the ideologies of child rearing and bearing.
I find it very interesting, and somewhat mind-boggling, that even the most natural processes in life are also embedded with interest. Newspapers are ridden with arguments that breastfeeding is the best way and that no matter how advanced, formula milk may never become an equal substitute for Mother Nature’s gift. It seems like a logical argument, especially considering the trend of women’s rights to social self-actualisation (read: working) which has led most mothers to opt for formula over breastfeeding since is frees them of the obligation of breastfeeding. But the argument also ignores the fact that some women do not produce breast milk. It wasn’t their sound choice, but a physical barrier. It seems ignorant at best and cruel at worst to advocate for breast milk being the best source of nutrition for babies. Please, continue to rub salt on their wounds.
The same goes for the choice of natural birth versus C-section. I’ve realized that currently Indonesian newspapers are advocating for natural birth as opposed to C-section since several hospitals in Jakarta have an 80% C-section rate. Today’s Koran Tempo newspaper stated researched facts that babies delivered by C-section are not as healthy as babies born naturally. Lung development, bacteria providing advantage for vaginal deliveries, which helps the baby’s digestive system – you name it. It seems like the similar stance for breast milk over formula. Because of the tendency of pregnant women to choose C-section over natural birth due to non-medical personal and/or social reasons (e.g. fear of pain, fear of losing vaginal elasticity, etc), the movement heads towards pressuring women with guilt into returning to opting nature’s way. Again, a logical argument. But what about women who have medical complications and had to go through C-section because they had no other choice? Not only had they gone through a physical complication that led them to getting a surgery, but they are also reminded of the fact that their physical limitations deprived their babies of certain advantages that most ‘able women’ receive.
Again, ignorant or cruel?
The list goes on to working mothers or stay-at-home mothers, both with their pros and cons and partial ideological arguments. Involved fathers or uninvolved fathers, to hire a nanny or not hire a nanny, etc. All of which could be argued otherwise but all of which have a single hegemonic idea, which is consistently being advocated through the media nowadays.
I have my personal choices which are irrelevant to be shared here, but I do want to share one thing: I advocate for being smart parents. That we, as rational, educated and responsible human beings who have chosen to bring little people to this world, should equip ourselves with knowledge necessary to rear and bear a child. It is a responsibility we took on the day we decided to raise offspring to make rational and informed decisions – alleviating society from the responsibility to remind us of the facts that counter-argue our selfish choices. It is not the sole responsibility of women just because we can get pregnant, it is the responsibility of all parents in its broadest meaning (that includes husbands, grandparents, aunts and uncles and friends actively involved in the child’s primary environment) to seek information about what is best under their circumstances.
If we succeed to do this, there will be no need for ideological hegemony, the bombarding of a partial, usually singular argument. We will receive information balanced on both sides, the pros and cons of each choice. Parents who had to choose formula milk, C-section, go back to work (or stay at home) won’t have to be reminded of the disadvantages of their choices – because they already know.
After all, everything in life is choice. The ones who will truly enjoy the reaps of their labour are the ones who did the hard work. It becomes ridiculous that we would think we are wiser than those who had to make the choices and live with the consequences. But then again, this is assuming that they have done their jobs in finding out the necessary. So the question becomes: have we done enough to deserve a child?
Note: Edited version available at http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2008/08/18/ideology-childbirth-and-child-rearing.html
04.58PM
Haji Samali, Jakarta
It’s perhaps safe to say that everything, and I mean everything, that is related to human beings are ideological. From the more complex things in life that we are used to debating about – religious choice, gender construction, human rights – to the day-to-day concepts. Being a pregnant woman on her ninth month, I am exposed to (or have exposed myself to) the ideologies of child rearing and bearing.
I find it very interesting, and somewhat mind-boggling, that even the most natural processes in life are also embedded with interest. Newspapers are ridden with arguments that breastfeeding is the best way and that no matter how advanced, formula milk may never become an equal substitute for Mother Nature’s gift. It seems like a logical argument, especially considering the trend of women’s rights to social self-actualisation (read: working) which has led most mothers to opt for formula over breastfeeding since is frees them of the obligation of breastfeeding. But the argument also ignores the fact that some women do not produce breast milk. It wasn’t their sound choice, but a physical barrier. It seems ignorant at best and cruel at worst to advocate for breast milk being the best source of nutrition for babies. Please, continue to rub salt on their wounds.
The same goes for the choice of natural birth versus C-section. I’ve realized that currently Indonesian newspapers are advocating for natural birth as opposed to C-section since several hospitals in Jakarta have an 80% C-section rate. Today’s Koran Tempo newspaper stated researched facts that babies delivered by C-section are not as healthy as babies born naturally. Lung development, bacteria providing advantage for vaginal deliveries, which helps the baby’s digestive system – you name it. It seems like the similar stance for breast milk over formula. Because of the tendency of pregnant women to choose C-section over natural birth due to non-medical personal and/or social reasons (e.g. fear of pain, fear of losing vaginal elasticity, etc), the movement heads towards pressuring women with guilt into returning to opting nature’s way. Again, a logical argument. But what about women who have medical complications and had to go through C-section because they had no other choice? Not only had they gone through a physical complication that led them to getting a surgery, but they are also reminded of the fact that their physical limitations deprived their babies of certain advantages that most ‘able women’ receive.
Again, ignorant or cruel?
The list goes on to working mothers or stay-at-home mothers, both with their pros and cons and partial ideological arguments. Involved fathers or uninvolved fathers, to hire a nanny or not hire a nanny, etc. All of which could be argued otherwise but all of which have a single hegemonic idea, which is consistently being advocated through the media nowadays.
I have my personal choices which are irrelevant to be shared here, but I do want to share one thing: I advocate for being smart parents. That we, as rational, educated and responsible human beings who have chosen to bring little people to this world, should equip ourselves with knowledge necessary to rear and bear a child. It is a responsibility we took on the day we decided to raise offspring to make rational and informed decisions – alleviating society from the responsibility to remind us of the facts that counter-argue our selfish choices. It is not the sole responsibility of women just because we can get pregnant, it is the responsibility of all parents in its broadest meaning (that includes husbands, grandparents, aunts and uncles and friends actively involved in the child’s primary environment) to seek information about what is best under their circumstances.
If we succeed to do this, there will be no need for ideological hegemony, the bombarding of a partial, usually singular argument. We will receive information balanced on both sides, the pros and cons of each choice. Parents who had to choose formula milk, C-section, go back to work (or stay at home) won’t have to be reminded of the disadvantages of their choices – because they already know.
After all, everything in life is choice. The ones who will truly enjoy the reaps of their labour are the ones who did the hard work. It becomes ridiculous that we would think we are wiser than those who had to make the choices and live with the consequences. But then again, this is assuming that they have done their jobs in finding out the necessary. So the question becomes: have we done enough to deserve a child?
Note: Edited version available at http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2008/08/18/ideology-childbirth-and-child-rearing.html
The Inconsiderate Things People Say
Saturday, 19 July 2008
04.55PM
Haji Samali, Jakarta
I was at Mothercare PIM2 browsing through some baby thingies when a Mothercare employee called out to me.
Mbak2 Mothercare: Ibu, Ibu!
Inaya: (menengok)
Mbak2 Mothercare: Ibu anaknya laki ya?
Inaya: (confused as to where this is going but is willing to be amused anyway) Iya kata dokter sih gitu, kenapa emang Mbak?
Mbak2 Mothercare: (seraya berbicara ke ibu-ibu hamil di sebelahnya) Tuh kan Bu, bener. Kalo anaknya laki yang gede perutnya doang, dari belakang gak kelihatan hamil. Anak Ibu perempuan, jadi keliatan…
Inaya: (what the… What a mean thing to say. I smiled to the other pregnant lady seolah bilang: ‘Forgive her.’)
Ibu2 hamil satunya: Mbak hamil berapa bulan?
Inaya: 8 bulan (smiles).
Ibu2 hamil satunya: Hah? KECIL BANGET PERUTNYA?
Inaya: (GRRRR, keki sampe ke ubun2. Harus ya nyakitin balik kalo disakitin orang lain??) Iya ya? Tapi malah disuruh diet sama dokter soalnya bayinya udah kegedean.
Mbak2 Mothercare: Iya tuh Bu, bener, kalo kegedean nanti gak bisa normal lho (I wonder apakah mulut orang ini ada remnya)
But that’s life I guess. Kalo bukan ini, komentar-komentar keji tentang kapan kawin, kok ngga lulus-lulus, kerjanya kok disitu bukan disana aja kan katanya gajinya lebih gede dan lain sebagainya. Memang kadang ada baiknya masuk kuping kanan keluar kuping kanan (kalo masuk kuping kanan keluar kuping kiri sempet lewat otak, this isn’t even worth the hassle).
Egal, a German would say.
04.55PM
Haji Samali, Jakarta
I was at Mothercare PIM2 browsing through some baby thingies when a Mothercare employee called out to me.
Mbak2 Mothercare: Ibu, Ibu!
Inaya: (menengok)
Mbak2 Mothercare: Ibu anaknya laki ya?
Inaya: (confused as to where this is going but is willing to be amused anyway) Iya kata dokter sih gitu, kenapa emang Mbak?
Mbak2 Mothercare: (seraya berbicara ke ibu-ibu hamil di sebelahnya) Tuh kan Bu, bener. Kalo anaknya laki yang gede perutnya doang, dari belakang gak kelihatan hamil. Anak Ibu perempuan, jadi keliatan…
Inaya: (what the… What a mean thing to say. I smiled to the other pregnant lady seolah bilang: ‘Forgive her.’)
Ibu2 hamil satunya: Mbak hamil berapa bulan?
Inaya: 8 bulan (smiles).
Ibu2 hamil satunya: Hah? KECIL BANGET PERUTNYA?
Inaya: (GRRRR, keki sampe ke ubun2. Harus ya nyakitin balik kalo disakitin orang lain??) Iya ya? Tapi malah disuruh diet sama dokter soalnya bayinya udah kegedean.
Mbak2 Mothercare: Iya tuh Bu, bener, kalo kegedean nanti gak bisa normal lho (I wonder apakah mulut orang ini ada remnya)
But that’s life I guess. Kalo bukan ini, komentar-komentar keji tentang kapan kawin, kok ngga lulus-lulus, kerjanya kok disitu bukan disana aja kan katanya gajinya lebih gede dan lain sebagainya. Memang kadang ada baiknya masuk kuping kanan keluar kuping kanan (kalo masuk kuping kanan keluar kuping kiri sempet lewat otak, this isn’t even worth the hassle).
Egal, a German would say.
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