Malik and the Changes He Brought with Him

Intro

I actually wrote this quite a while ago. Here we go.

Oh. And I got the scholarship :). Beginning my PhD next year.

***

Saturday, 30 September 2008
03.00PM
Haji Samali, Jakarta

On Experiencing Labour

It’s hard not to rant on how labour was. No matter how often I repeat it to others, it still feels worth the storytelling.

Labour was a paradox. Ladies, you hear these horror stories of how painful it is and how close to death you’ll feel when it happens. And then you hear that no matter how painful, it’s all worth it. They are all very, very true. At least for me.

It was painful, but bearable. It was unimaginable. You truly cannot fully prepare yourself for what will happen. It doesn’t matter how often you do your pregnancy yogas and Lamaze class practices – you can’t quite prepare yourself for the mental trial labour will be. But for me, the second I gave birth, I honestly couldn’t remember the pain. Not even the cutting of the perineum, the contractions, the stitches. I can’t even rationalize it, but it’s true. It is worth it and I have no problem doing it again. It’s not only the happiness of being a mother, but it’s the chance of learning new things every single (and I mean every single) minute of every day. You realize that you are more than you’ve ever thought you could be.

I honestly thought I would be a wuss. That I could not handle the pain. That I didn’t have the mentality of pushing a 4kg baby out of me. But it turned out sometimes – sometimes – our bodies know better than we do. Darwinism. In order to survive, we will physiologically know what to do. And I testify, the female of the species, if they’re blessed, get to find out the true capacity of their bodies at least once in their lives.

On Bringing Home a Newborn
“Lo kemasukan setan apa Na, pulang ke rumah sendiri gak ada yang bantu?” Chida wrote to me. And boy, was she right.

I think it was an idiotic combination of nekad and sotoy.

It’s an anomaly in Jakarta for a young married couple in Jakarta to live alone, not with their parents, early in their relationship. But Arya and I do. It’s an anomaly that we don’t have live-in help. It’s an anomaly that we don’t want to have a babysitter. It’s an anomaly that none of our family members stayed over for the first days of bringing home our newborn.

It’s not an anomaly that we were on the verge of going out of our minds.

After a frantic series of the baby crying, bleeding nipples, a spilled bottle of frustratingly pumped breast milk, more frantic pumping, the mother crying (ha!) – I finally said “Yes” to the question “Mau Mbak Yem kesana?” my mother asked (fyi, Mbak Yem was my childhood nanny).

“Na, dimana-mana itu pemulihan dulu, baru belajar ngerawat bayi…” my mother said.
Now you’re telling me.

But I guess I would have been too stubborn to listen. So, slowly Arya and I learned how to (correctly) bathe the baby, which cry is a hungry cry, which cry is a diaper changing cry. Nights became bearable since we could rest during the day. Mbak Yem began helping us 7 to 5 and now she goes home at 11AM and I get to be with the baby all day.

And now, after a tiring process of learning, I am going back to work 3 times a week, teaching at the university and maybe taking small research projects. I’m waiting to hear from my scholarship granters whether or not I get to start my PhD next February. And even with all these splendid career choices, I get to go home to my baby boy. If that’s not a life blessed I don’t know what is.

On Going Back to Work

The first day I went out of the house without Malik was for the ALA interview on 5th August. Malik was 8 days old. My stitches were raw. But we survived.

Malik was home with Mbak Yem and my sister with expressed breast milk in the fridge. Arya came with me to the interview to calm my nerves, but it turned out it was the other way around (you truly see the commitment another person has for your life choices if they’re more anxious than you are).

I thought I would be too tired due to lack of sleep but I was a-ok. I was so happy I got the chance to get out of the house and I even enjoyed the ride. The interview went great, I think it was the knowing the ‘not getting the scholarship won’t be the end of the world’ state-of-mind that helped. I left the interview room knowing that I did my best. If I didn’t get the funding, then nothing I could have done would change that.

That trip made me realize, though, that I need to get out. I need to do something. I love Malik and I thrive in taking care of him. But it can’t be the only thing I do. That’s when I realized that I want to go back to work.

If I want to be a full-time lecturer at UI, I need to continue teaching (plus get my PhD degree) until I get my tenure. In the academic field, there’s no such thing as a 3 month maternity leave. First semester starts in September, baby or no baby. But all of my lecturer teams are very understanding. I chose the subjects I was best at, so that I won’t have to do so much research before teaching. I don’t have to attend all classes when I’m not teaching if I don’t want to.

I think being a lecturer is one of the best professions a new mother could choose, time-wise. Leaving Malik for 3-5 hours a day alone is hard enough for me, I can’t imagine parents having to leave their child for 8 hours minimum plus 2-3 hours of traffic. The sacrifice they make to ensure the livelihood of their families has my full respect.

Any day now, I’m sure I’ll find the balance between juggling motherhood and career. But when push comes to shove, if I had to choose, in a heartbeat, Malik has my everything. I love you, tiny thing.

On Cooperating with an Unconventional Partner

I think one of the reasons I didn’t get the blues for so long is because I have a very supportive husband. You know the saying ‘Behind every great man is a great woman’? Well, for the past month my saying is ‘Behind a sane woman is a great man’. Honestly, Arya is truly an unconventional Indonesian husband.

He can bathe the baby, he changes diapers, during the newborn stages, he took the 2AM to 7AM shift of taking care of Malik while my shift was 9PM to 2AM. He works the next day and makes money. He is even better than me in carrying the baby and doing the tummy flip to burp him. He held me when I cried and toughened me up when I was whining. He took care of Malik (without help! No maid no babysitter) at home while I met Philip Kitley.

”Sekalian kamu kenal dia sekalian kamu cari udara seger,” he said.

He supports me to go back to work and reminds me of my motherly obligations of continuing breastfeeding while doing so. He. Never. Whines. About. Our. Son. Or the fact that he’s doing the things most Indonesian wives/mothers do.

The past month says a lot about the qualities in Arya. Him as a father, him as a husband and him as a person. I am not exaggerating when I say, ‘Every single human being is very lucky to have the chance of having Arya in their lives.’ I love you, tiny thing’s father.