For the past month or so, I began working full-time again (albeit in the safe quarters of my own home office and only leave the house for meetings/lecturing, but I follow an 8 hour plan just like anybody), Malik's daily activities are assisted by a nanny. I do continue where she leaves off around 6 and put him to sleep and bathe him at least once a day, but I am no longer the dominant 'sitter' for his daily routine.
I accepted this fact with full-realisation of the pros and cons, so did Arya.
And so naturally, my tolerance level went down. I physically wear off faster than when I assisted him daily, I get the jitters when he throws his food around and I am a walking zombie by the time I put him to bed at night.
But you know what, it was my decision and as tired as I was, no one made me work, no one made a mother. It was my decision and I have to stick to it.
So both days this weekend, I decided Malik is my priority. No matter how tired I was or cranky or over the top, I will stick with him. And by God, did I.
And my tolerance level went up again. I fed him, bathed him, ran around with him, read him a book, talked to him, laughed with him. The weekend was for him.
And there is something oddly empowering from taking care of your own son, knowing you are doing your best in juggling your roles of working and motherhood - not complaining during turbulence and being consistent with the responsibilities and entitlements both roles provide.
You kind of lose the point of demanding 'me' time. When you're a parent, particularly if it was a sound decision, you let go of 'you' and you prioritise this young man you call your son. He is not yet equipped with the ability to sort priorities and rationalise consequences, we are. And it is then our responsibility, even when we are dead tired, to make sure of his wellbeing.
I really don't have anything to complain about. I enjoy being a hands on mother and I enjoy being lecturer and student. I also enjoy sharing my day with Arya and reflecting how we are as individuals and as part of a unit.
I think the moment we complain about the cons of our choices, work or family, we are ignoring the many splendors these choices provide us with. At the end, we all need a 'spike' in our tolerance level, the opportunity to push out limits, which gives way to perseverance, strength, patience and consistency. And I think we need to be tired to know our limits.
And afterwards set it higher.
All in a day's work to try and be a better person :)
With love, Nak...