The Challenge of Being a Traveling Parent

I am currently overseas for work and it's the first time I've left Malik on his own at home. Well, there's Arya and the nanny and family, so logistically everything should be (and is) alright. But still...

I just realised, through a conversation with a colleague, that almost all flexible career lines (e.g. researcher, lecturer, consultant) requires traveling. In the context of parenting, full time jobs limit the time you spend with your children but at the same time you aren't required to travel that often (well, some full time jobs as well, like my mother. But she rarely works overtime like some people I know who work in the industry). Flexible jobs, like what I'm doing now, allows me to play with Malik in the middle of the day, finish teaching on 2pm and go home, but then I would have to travel more than if I chose a full time job.

Don't get me wrong, I consider myself a traveler, ever since leaving the Jakarta in 2005 I have always enjoyed traveling. I love the feeling of discovery, being exposed to different cultures and customs, going through the airport and meeting new people. I like the feeling of being challenged and at the end be a stronger human being with stronger values. But when you're a mother, it's a challenge to be able to 'compartmentalise' your thoughts in order to perform your roles well (well! Not even excellent) in public and private spaces.

Oh, and how compartmentalising your thoughts, especially if you are a parent (mothers maybe have it harder because we had been physically connected to our children) or have dependants, is the ultimate challenge.

It's one thing to leave your partner, as they are independent individuals able to care for themselves. It's another to leave your son, who somewhat depends on an able adult for his well being. So when I leave, I am taking away part of his support system with him.

I remember that feeling of seeing Malik cry as I left the house and holding back tears until your chest hurts because you know your crying would make him feel more confused. The small voice in the back of your head saying, "Are you nuts? You're his mother and you're abandoning him!"

And then I remembered my first day of work when Malik was one month old. At first I felt guilt for having to leave him for something not of his direct gain. And then I felt guilty for feeling... Hmm, 'saner' for having left the house a couple of hours to teach. When I told Arya this, his response, as always, was logical and calming.

A: Kamu kerja untuk apa dulu? Untung uang? Uangnya untuk siapa? Untuk ngembangin diri? Bagus untuk siapa?

The questions all lead to one person: Malik.

So then I also need to remember another thing. That my aim, at the end, is to raise him to be an independent individual as well. Like my parents had done for me and Arya's parents had done for him. An individual able to find a solution to his problems independently, who is able to care for himself and make tough decisions and take in the consequences. Who is able to survive without his support system.

Training these skills is a process of 'weaning', for Malik as much as it is for me (and Arya).

And you know what, I think all three of us did a good job. We maintain daily (2-3 times a day) communication and Arya seems to be enjoying his quality time with Malik. But most of all, in terms of performing considerably well (no one is stressed hehe) and supporting each other.

That Malik is comfortable, confident even without one of his parents is one step for him to become an independent person. And I felt that I learned something as well.

The thing is, we can never control the chain reactions that may be resulted from our decisions. But we can, however, control the intentions upon which our decisions were based on. And I do believe that if we begin with the best of intentions, even the youngest of souls can understand that.

That I work for his well being, physically and mentally. I would like to give a good example by working hard, both in the public and in the private. That even after a long day, I would still feed him, bathe him and tuck him in. I would still be able to manage my stress and tend to him in any way possible. That by being productive, he too will find a way to be productive. That by learning more, I will too become a better teacher for him.

It goes the same way for my partner. That by feeling his support, I will too, tirelessly, unquestionably, unconditionally support him in any way I know how.

I do believe that life is about learning. And learning is a process of simply being a better person that the day before and knowing you will do better the next day. It's never about the superficial achievements that we are so easily swayed on. It's about the emotional and spiritual growth we are blessed with for knowing what to do. With love, with sincerity and with the best of intentions.