I can't remember exactly when, but the drive that used to make me move fast in accomplishing things seem to have died down. I can remember my losing all interest in achieving anything during my late pregnancy. I can also remember taking things very easy during my Masters studies. But I know one thing for sure: I am no longer ambitious. I used to be, I can remember feeling very competitive in my early twenties. But now, I no longer have any desire to achieve anything.
I: Do you think that's weird?
A: For you, yes.
In another conversation with a different person;
I: *selesai cerita*
D: I think you're just content.
Maybe. I don't think it matters why. I've come to terms that it's a nice feeling. Not wanting anything more. That whatever I have now is simply... Enough.
I know that more money does not raise my welfare - my state of mind defines that.
I know that a PhD, a stable career, acknowledgments do not define me - my acts and thoughts in personal trials do.
I know that knowledge is useless without the ability to implement it or transfer it to someone else - that I am merely a small part of a larger scheme.
I know that the cause of raising a child is lost without the realisation that our children are not property - they exist as reminders that we are all temporary and in their hands lie the future.
In relation to that, I think I've figured why my relationship with Arya works. We both share the value that social construction means nothing. That what matters is how we think, what we believe in. We could be in the most different fields of work and we would still understand each other as we wear the same glasses with which we see the world. That in each other lie reminders for us to be, simply, better human beings. To whom status, money, knowledge, mean nothing. And through humility, sincerity, selflessness may we find contentment. Not wanting anything more. Knowing that this is enough to be a better person.
I call it faith.