Thursday, March 10, 2011

That Sandstorm

Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn.

Haruki Murakami

Part of life is not knowing. That endless doubt that follows us around like a stray cat, no matter how sure we are of our choices - there is always the 'what if'. That suppressed thought in the back of our heads.

I've grown into depending on my head most of the time. Instead of dwelling in the doubt, I simply do a cost and benefit analysis (eye-roll permitted, it actually works). I refuse to dwell if it is not worth my while. I figure life is hard enough as it is, why wallow. If I've made a choice consciously, what I can do is deal with the consequences. I am not in control of anything aside from my own thoughts and actions.

But once in a blue moon, I listen to my heart. I stand still in the sandstorm and accept that sometimes I cannot even control myself.

And in not knowing, there is a sense of surrender that I know my head can never fully grasp for the sole reason that logic is limited - but my heart is not.


Gilang Reffi Hernanda said...

mengelus dada. go through the sandstorm and find a land, Mbak :)


colson said...

Though I haven't reached the level of rationality you described ( I'm suffering from a temper, emotions,impetuousness),I yet try to go by the facts like you.

[Only to have discovered over the years ( and by a lecture on cost management) that "the sum of a number of good decisions can lead to one big disaster". We do our best, using the best information available, but fail by definition. Limited, scope, misinterpretation, blurred vision, whatever.

So in matters of life and death we should not only rely on the ratio kingdom. Love, friendship, passions, hobby's - matters of the heart.

Inaya Rakhmani said...

Colson, I think we're pretty much on the same level of 'rationality' (if I'm not lagging behind). Writing is a process of moderation, so to speak.

And I couldn't agree more with everything you've said.